The Men Tell All or 25 Recaps and 1 (Unmentioned) Funeral

The worst episode in the series--this time waster of a two hour fest where they bring back all of the dudes to recap what's happened so far, in case you haven't watched any of the program or in case you give a shit.

Oh, here's a twist, this old pregnant Bachelorette. Ashley, takes an ultrasound on "live" TV and they will be finding out the gender of their baby at the same time as us.  What if the doctor is like, Oh, it's a kitten, or oh, it's not moving...This is beyond stupid. This is beyond exploitative. Cue women in the audience being told to open their mouths wide as if in amazement. Never mind anyone in the audience who might have lost a pregnancy or two or five. It's a boy! He will be the next bachelor in just twenty short years. They are going to name it Harrison, after Chris Harrison. God, I hope they're joking. I can't wait to see the live after-birth on the next episode, otherwise known as Cody.

Right, so the other part of the recap is the premiere of my next ten weeks of not writing a novel, Bachelor in Paradise. This is where they bring back the most annoying contestants from previous seasons and force them to live together and make out in hurricane type weather in the surf and fight with each other for all of the right TV-rating reasons. The one-armed girl returns to be humiliated further as all of the guys pretend not to notice that she has just this one full arm. They will bring back new arrivals each week. Only one black guy is participating and only one ambulance so far. Someone gets arrested and fifteen people get the human papilloma virs (HPV) on or around the anus.

Chris welcomes back all of the guys, including the pantsprenuer, all wearing man scarves at an attempt to seem humorous. Chris asks Chris what he liked most about Andi, and he says that she's beautiful and has a lot going for her. Illuminating. He then asks the black guy, Marquel, what it felt like to roll up as one of the few only black men, knowing he would never get picked? Of course he didn't ask that! Recap of basketball game, the opera singer embarrassing himself, men taking their shirts off and stripping, Craig getting blotto, a big-eared guy wearing a huge bow tie, and repeating the phrase right reasons, right reasons, right reasons. Chris really does ask Marquel now about receiving one of the roses as a black guy and Marquel says he prayed about it. Oh, God, the one white guy got the name of the other black guy wrong, he called him Ron, instead or Marquel. Major faux pas. Fighting ensues as the boys attack the big-eared guy who told the secret and wonder why he didn't tell everyone sooner. This goes on and on.  I guess I should be happy because I've been accusing the show of pretending to care about racism while never yet having one person of color as the Bachelor or Bachelorette in twenty or so seasons. And so now they have given five minutes to the issue, and we should all be placated by that.

Marquel is in the hot seat. Let us not forget that Andi picked CODY over him. Cody is the worst, the worst. Marquel explains the rejection as being the result of not ever being able to get out of the friend zone. I will explain it as the show not feeling comfortable showing a black man kissing a white woman. Producers, you're so open and this is so not scripted, so how about putting a black or Asian or Hispanic person as the main protagonist in the next season? Marquel brings black and white cookies and hands them out to the screaming fans.

Confession: I just ate like a whole tub of Kozy Shack pudding.

Marcus is now in the hot seat. He has not shaved for this episode either. He must have watched a lot of Northern Exposure right before going on the show. They go over his premature love confession and his numerous tears. He sits watching himself and possibly is contemplating getting his ear pierced. Chris asks if he regrets saying he loves her after two dates, and I wasn't really listening to his answer--oh, yes, he really was in love. Dan says, "If you love someone, say something." Not to the person, but to a policeman.

Recap of Chris' love affair with Andi. I am guessing that this might be the part where they announce that he will be the next bachelor contestant, right? He is not sure what he wants to do with his life. A random woman yells out to him. She is wearing a short short pantsuit. She is mildly attractive, except for having a ton of make-up on her face. She is from Canada. Chris suggests that he have a speed date with the other Chris and hang out together for thirty five seconds while they advertise more ABC shows. Why does the show pretend to be spontaneous when it so clearly is not? Does anyone believe this?

Andi comes to the stage wearing sparkles and a dress that is ridiculous short. Is she appearing in the Ice Capades immediately after this? Chris asks her what changed after the home town date. Andi says she had the most fun at Chris' house, but she didn't see the foundation. The truth is that she loves Nick and doesn't want to be with anyone else. She didn't want to go with Chris to the fantasy suite and have to sleep with him while imagining Nick. Marcus, who does not wear socks, wants to know if he scared Andi away but saying he loved her too soon. Cody says that she never did see the real Cody (referring to himself in the third person) and he wished that she had. We do see that he is wearing a denim shirt and possibly eye liner. He looks like David Bowie right now, but I'm sure he has no idea that he's coming across that way.

They will have to pretend to be serious soon to talk about the guy who died, right?

Chris wants Andi to take an ultrasound because the rumor is that she's pregnant. Did Chris just say, Somebody shot a load back in Georgia? She would have no idea who the dad is. She tore up some lie detector results which Chris still has, but I don't know what this is all about. I must have been in the Outer Banks when this aired. The men on this date, Bryan, Marcus, Chris, JJ, Dylan and Josh who is not here (the one who died?), three of the men were completely truthful, Brian, Chris and JJ. Marcus, Dylan and Josh lied. About what? Marcus said that he has slept with fewer than 20 women and that is a lie. He hasn't slept with any. Dylan said he preferred brunettes and that was a lie. Does Andi want to know what he lied about? Yes, of course you want to know. Dan says, This reminds me of a party I went to in the eight grade.

Blooper reel. I will not recap. That's enough, ya'll. Next week,  stay tuned for the most dramatic rose ceremoy every. Dan just said, Who will win Andi?